SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My STBXW texts and calls while living with this new guy. It feels awful. I can’t forget her and move forward. We have two sons so we must talk but I really hate feeling depressed all the time. I don’t have the confidence to tell her to go away. She made her decision and I wish she would just stick with it and leave me alone. I get drawn in when she calls. I’m not strong enough to tell her not to. I feel like a weak fool. Twenty years is hard for me to forget. She did so I know I need to.

I don’t have the confidence to tell her to go away. She made her decision and I wish she would just stick with it and leave me alone. I get drawn in when she calls. I’m not strong enough to tell her not to.

It feels awful.

For your own health, you must. Easier said than done, I know. But when you get a call or a text, and you feel so tempted to respond, remember that awful feeling you get. The pain and devastation she brought. Think of it as some type of conditioning to help yourself stay NC when it doesn't involve the kids. Think of what you gain or what you think you gain by responding.

She can get over 20 years but you can't b/c you're not her.

Unfortunately, detaching doesn't happen overnight. One day at a time.

NC= no more hurts.
you need to read about the gray rock method and be that gray rock.
If she starts to get chatty, just get off the phone.

It’s hard. SHe’s a habit. It’s comfortable. But you must. It gets easier with time, but it is HARD at first.

I found it helpful to keep a list of all the really shitty things my WH had said and done— it was a brutal splash of cold water whenever I started to cave in and it really helped.

I understand how hard— we were together 25 years at DDAY, but it really is the way to clarity and healing.

Hang in there.

She’s trying to be your friend or remain your friend b/c it makes her feel less guilty.

She’s telling herself that "you are ok" and "understand" all of her poor choices.

I understand maintains a cordial relationship b/c of your children. But you need to limit conversations to kids and just related topics like school, schedules, $ etc.

You don’t have to be mean. When she starts to chat about other topics other than kids, tell her you have to go. And then hang up.

You will be surprised how much better you start to feel when you assert yourself. It will do wonders for your self esteem.

How long you have been separated or divorced?

Like someone else said here unfortunately it takes time to detach. You will get there.

Boundaries, brother. Healthy boundaries are a key to happiness. If you'd rather not talk with her or text with her then let her know. Restrict all communication to email and about business and the kids. There's absolutely nothing wrong with going gray rock.

It helped me to stop picking up the phone when he called. I told him text or email only. I assigned a nice picture of donkey butt as his profile picture and renamed "lying cheating…. " It may sound childish, but it reminded me of who he truly is. I only respond to messages about kids and finances and it took a while to get there. It really does cut out a lot of emotion this way.

I’ve been struggling with the same issue lately
I posted "Please help me detach" in the General forum where I received many good advice.
One of which was the book recommendation "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.
I’ve learned a lot from the book. Mainly that what i was feeling is not a heart issue but a brain issue.
Here are few concepts I learned from the book:
"Being betrayed and left by your spouse causes withdrawal symptoms very much like heroin withdrawal. When we build close relationships (marriage) our brain produces opioids that help with attachment. They are addictive as heroine. So when a relationship ends, your body goes into an actual physical withdrawal. It is similar to drug/alcohol addicts go through. We are desperate for the next hit.
Your emotional brain perceives the loss of your partner as a threat to survival. The end of the relationship is shattering the life force that causes us to "cling" to the partner that has left. Losing your relationship intensifies the clingy, needy feelings, and the hope that your lost partner will return. Our brain continues to look for the "lost object" (your spouse) and so when your ex calls you, your brain fires all sort of signals that the lost object is found. Because your brain is longing to attach, you get drawn when she calls you. It has nothing to do with whether you are strong enough or not. Your brain is calling the shots. The brain is doing what it is programmed to do. Humans are designed to bond but our brains don’t know if it’s healthy bonding or not. You are "addicted" to your STBXW because of what is going on in the brain. It is normal. You now have to detox and get clean.

I highly recommend the book. It gives you tools and exercises to do to rewire your brain, process the trauma, and eventually be able to move forward.

20 years of marriage = very strong bond especially for people like you who are loyal.
I don’t know why your STBXW calls you. Mine continued to call me as well. I think he called when things weren’t going well with the AP or when he was lonely. And I would get drawn in. I enjoyed talking to him because things felt "normal" again. Then i had to tell myself that after he hangs up the phone with me, he’s going to have sex with another woman. That he cheated on me. That betrayed me. That he’s two faced. That thought disgusted me. What he was doing was abusive. So I am in NC now. It’s been 2 weeks. It’s very hard. But with IC, reading books on betrayal trauma/bond, is helping me get through each day.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks again to everyone for your advice. I was given divorce papers in September and she’d been seeing her AP for several months I believe. The reason I’m behind In moving on is that even after serving me we hung out a lot and she didn’t even move out until I told her to leave in November. She denied her affair until late December and then moved in with him in January. It is like a chemical reaction for me and she can still draw me in. My recovery and separation from her is delayed even though I’m in disbelief and disgust that she has a new relationship. I discussed this in another post. Sorry. It is weird. Part of me hates her for what she has done but we have a family together and I wish it didn’t happen. I was committed to working on any problems she had with me and never would have grabbed a new person to replace her. I recently did tell her I am done talking unless about the kids or finances. It doesn’t come naturally to push her away but she wanted it after all. It’s weird because I can tell she struggles with me being 100 percent out of her life. She wants the new bad boy for sex but knows I am a good guy and seems to want to keep me in the background. Thanks again!

LH,

You are doing yourself a disservice.

It’s weird because I can tell she struggles with me being 100 percent out of her life.

Did she tell you this, or you think that she feels this? Am asking because, if she she told you this, it is highly likely it is a lie. She is saying that to you to keep you on the hook.

She wants the new bad boy for sex but knows I am a good guy and seems to want to keep me in the background.

Again,you are giving your STBXW too much credit. You are a walking talking ATM to her. Nothing more. Not a 'good guy', just a convenient mark. Who wouldn't want free money on tap? Go screw a bad boy or two, call the STBXH, say that you miss him (maybe sniffle a little bit during the call), and *ding ding* you will get your money. Easy peasey.

This is the woman who happily brought her boyfriend over to your house, and got her boyfriend to carry stuff out of your house. Please explain how that indicates that she wants you in her life for anything more than getting stuff out of you?

You have to take your rose coloured glasses off (yes, you are still wearing them), and then stand in front of a mirror to ask yourself if you want to be taken advantage of for the rest of your life.

Your gut is whispering to you that you are being taken advantage of, but you seem to ignore your gut. Why is that?

Thanks. You’re right. I do still inside wish she can’t let go of my friendship. I hope deep inside there is some decency still but I need to accept that it’s probably all gone. I needed that reminder. It’s hard to face though.

I do still inside wish she can’t let go of my friendship.

This is you imbibing in a wee bit too much Hopium. You want to feel 'wanted', that she should be weeping over the loss of you.... sorry to break it to you, but this would only happen if she had a heart.

I hope deep inside there is some decency still but I need to accept that it’s probably all gone.

I would rephrase what you wrote a bit, 'I hope deep inside there is some decency still but I need to accept that it probably was never there.'

It’s hard to face though.

Tough life-changing decision are usually not easy to face, but it is something that you need to face for you and your son who is still staying with you. At the moment, you are modelling to him that people who betray you, do not need to face any consequences. Not a good life lesson, as he might take this behaviour up, and others will take advantage of him with no consequences.

Thanks. Yes. She’s not who I thought she was. I cared deeply even through this process and she only cares about herself. I’m hurt but she wanted this not me so if I cut communication it’s on her really.

I think you need to go no contact other than what's absolutely necessary. It is the only way for you to start your healing process and move on. I'm planning on doing the same as soon as I move out. My WH thinks that we will be hanging out after D. He will have a ride awakening because I'm planning to go NC.

Yesterday I was listening to a Podcast and I heard something very interesting. 15% of people continue to be best friends after Divorce, and those are the people that never move on. I don't recall the exact percentage but it's like 90% of them don't re-marry or novo on.

If you have a friendship after this, then she will believe in her warped thinking, that what she did wasn’t so bad, that you were even ok with it and harbor no Ill feelings towards her.

Her desire to be friends and keep contact is extremely selfish, it has nothing to do with you, just her need to feel less guilty.

Don’t let her get away with this and feel better about her crappy behavior at your expense.